How Charles Bukowski Became My Therapist

His quotes and my mistakes

Two weeks ago I was out for a run and a came up with an idea for a blog post. It would be called “Bukowski as a Buddhist” But as I begin to write it, i slowly got more and more frustrated with myself.

The reason for this was that I was trying to outdo my last blog post. Instead of simply, because I like writing.

I realize my problem was that I was intending to connect with my reader as opposed to connecting with myself and sharing my heart. And that create a connection.

The following philosophies and quotes by Bukowski made me reflect upon why I am writing what I am writing.

Don't Try

I first heard of Charles Bukowski reading a personal development book called the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. The author Mark Manson used him as an example of how his “Not Trying” philosophy could improve your life.

In 1990 William Packard, an author, poet wrote to Charles Bukowski about why he writes. He responded on December 23rd saying “Too many writers write for the wrong reasons. They want to get famous or they want to get rich When everything works best, not because you chose writing, because writing chose you.”

Six years ago I suffered a concussion playing football. And l had to lay in darkness for nine months. I was hypersensitive to light and sound. As a result I began to fear the light, people, television and my phone. I wanted to make sense of what was happening to my life

I wanted to try to understand what was happening to my life. And I did, through philosophy and art. But the problem was I could never truly experience life because I was too busy trying to understand it.

Starving For Success

“I decided I either had to make it, go mad, come through or do something” when Charles said he was seeking to become a writer his neighbor made him food because they believed he would be starving.

When I first started writing poetry I had this burning desire to become successful. I begin to write poems every day on Twitter to ensure I would stay relevant in a world of frenetic speed and constant updates

It was a manipulation of my art.

When you are hungry, you get desperate, when you get desperate, you get focused, you forget everything else except what you are focusing on. What I forget about was my mental health. It would always come second to wanting to becoming successful.

The more I would write the more miserable I became. It began to feel like a job as opposed to a joy. I put so much emphasis on myself being an artist because I didn't love myself enough as a human. Each a poem I wrote from July 20th 2019 to October 30th 2020 was a brick I laid to stay behind this wall I called “artist”

What is your Rocket?

Bukowski has a poem called “So, you want to be writer” in which he says “Unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket. Don't do it”

When I first did psychedelics it made me realize their were two different versions of me. Clayton, the person and Clayton the organism. The difference is the person is who I present myself to the world as. The organism however is the physiological process that takes place within my body. From the beating of my heart to expansion of my lungs.

The only difference between me and nature was that I had put on a social mask called ego , but we were both organisms experiencing the natural processes of life.

I began to see my ego in action like it was in a movie. Clayton wasn't me, he was just a character I had created. An introverted deep thinker who’s fear of being the same of as everyone motivated him to be different from everyone else.

Each blade of grass hugged my pale feet. The quaint grass patch was drenched in dew. And I began to look at the trees, the buildings, the street and the moon like I was child again. Not yet, jaded by the world.

My friend looked at me and said:

“You can show people this feeling through writing”

And my face with a huge smile, began to spill onto the street. In that moment, I knew who I was and what I was supposed to do.

I found my rocket.

Who were you before you knew who were?